Monthly Archives: December 2014

Happy New Year!

It might be half an hour early, but I wish everyone a happy New Year! I pray for all of us with struggles in our lives, that this year is going to be a wonderful and blessed year!                  All my love, AshKaay.

2014 at an end

Twenty Fourteen is almost over. It’s time to say goodbye to all the drama of the past year and embrace the new year.

I’ve never stuck to a New Years resolution and I end up never making one anyway. But this New Year, my resolution is to try and be more happier within myself. That’s it, done and dusted.

2014 was a rocky year for me. I left school. I was in and out of hospital, up and down to psychologists and psychiatrists. I was overdosing, cutting. Having major episodes and I was emotionally and mentally drained. There were a few good events here and there like getting my mole removed and going on lots of holidays with my family. 

But overall I am proud of myself for getting through the year and making the most out of the worst situations. I am so grateful for everyone in my life that has supported me throughout the year.

I pray that everyone embraces the New Years spirit and has a good night. 

My next post will be in 2015! God bless all. 

Relaxing 

So it’s Monday night and my boyfriend and I are chilling watching Narnia! I haven’t watched this movie in so long! Forgot how good it was!

I’ve just had a nice hot bath and got into my new Christmas pjs! I’m gona finish this movie then get into bed and read my book. Before taking my bloody pain in the ass tablets! 

I hope everyone is having a relaxing evening 👪

Music 

🎧🎶 Music is my escape. Listening to music is so relaxing. The lyrics in songs are so relaxing. I can relate to them.

It’s as though someone understands what I’m going through. I play the piano and it’s just so relaxing. I feel it’s a great way to express yourself other than words. 

I listen to a lot of Christian music. It really helps cheer me up and lift my mood to know that God is with me. 

Artists:

  • Hillsong United (young and free)
  • Don Moen 
  • Casting crowns (all albums) 
  • Aaron Keyes (sovereign over us)
  • Royal flush (Album)
  • Kari Jobe

Hope some of this music helps you!

HAPPY!

All my life I have had a mole on my face, specifically on the right side of my face, next to my nose. 

It has always bothered me. My face was never symmetrical. I have been teased and bullied about it as long as I can remember.

I used to get called names such as “witch.” But the most common one was “moley.” Even my sister used to call me that on a daily basis. What got to me more than her saying it was the fact that no one in my family used to do anything about it. I don’t even think they cared. They used to laugh with her at me. 

I’ve always asked for it to be removed but I was always too young and it was still growing!

About 7 months ago, I got it REMOVED! 😬

These are some pictures of the best experience of my life and the best decision I’ve ever made:

^ me and my mum, before the op. As you can see I only took pictures of the left side of my face! 

^ just before surgery. Nervous but excited!

^ after surgery, even though I had stitches in and a patch on my face that drew more attraction than my mole did I was so happy. My first selfies in a long time ☺️

^ stitches out. It looks bad but wait for the other photos 😛

^ my boyfriend and I on holiday & my dad and I at the waterfront. The first times I had gotten out in a long time! So happy!

^ up to date photo. Scar is almost all gone! 

I live a happier life now and I don’t have to hide my face. I take selfies on a regular basis and I am proud of it!

Thank you for reading! ☺️

Living with bipolar: Part 4

Let me just say that I suffer from panic attacks! They are absolutely shit & sometimes I don’t even think I’m going to live through them!

As I’ve said before, I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder, this has a lot to do with everything that happens in my life on a daily basis. This being said, my main trigger of panic attacks is people. 

People being family members, random people or crowds of people. I have little panic attacks often that I can keep to myself. When I usually start to feel panicky, I walk out of the room the people are in and go in another room, normally a bedroom where I can lay down. Thus, calming me down. But sometimes it doesn’t work & I get all panicky & cry & feel like shit.

One of my biggest panic attacks was when my sister came over from the UK. We have never got along & most probably never will. We don’t like each other but we are acquaint with one another for my mothers sake. If it wasn’t for my mum I wouldn’t have anything to do with her. Anyway, the panic attack. Yes, so as I was saying she came over & was planning to stay. By the time she came over I had already moved out & my boyfriend & I have a flat together. She was staying at my mothers house. My boyfriend & I went round one night for supper & just before we were due to leave my sister had a go at me. Calling me names & saying I was selfish & a bitch & whatever. At that time of my life I was going through a really rough patch, highs & lows with my bipolar. And I was on a low when she verbally attacked me. I couldn’t sit there & deal with the shit she was calling me & saying about me so I screamed at her. This leading to her telling me that I “fake things.” I tried so hard not to break down. I was trying to be strong & put her in her place but the words literally wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I was scared, scared what the other people in the house would think. Scared that they would think I was a liar. Then it happened. In a split second I was struggling to breathe, it was like someone had put a bag on my head & the oxygen was depleting. My legs felt like jelly & I just collapsed onto the floor. The tears were pouring out of my eyes & I was shaking like a leaf. I was so hot I was pouring with sweat, my stomach was tensing up & it was agonizing pain. I felt like I was dying, my eyes went blurry. I had the same feeling as when you’re under water & you stay under for a little too long & you need to get up fast… Can anyone relate? But the only thing was I couldn’t “get up,” couldn’t breathe. I felt like I had 100 people’s eyes pointing on me. And in the middle of this, my sister says, “she’s putting it on.” 

Has anyone ever had someone say that they’re faking panic attacks or even their disorder? Or make fun of it? It feels horrible 😞 

Don’t want to end on a sad note so a late Merry Christmas to all 🎉

Living with bipolar: Part 3 (Depression)

There is a quote that describes my interpretation of depression to a tee:

“People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, numb to lie. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren’t really days; they’re just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them? Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting. When you are depressed, you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day. That’s what depression is, not sadness or tears, it’s the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.”                           – anonymous 

“One day to the next,” that’s all I want to get to every single day. I try and find something to do that makes me feel content but nothing ever does. I will be watching one of my favorite programs on tv and 10 minutes later I am completely bored. I play with my bunnies, hamsters, bird, ride my quad bike but nothing ever satisfies me for a lengthy period of time, or as much as I think it should.

My boyfriend wants to get out and do things like go to movies and go shopping but all I want to do it sit and slouch on the couch. I used to love going to the movies and buying new clothes but now it’s like, “ugh, it’s so much effort.” I feel like I have to put my all into everything I do, even just to light a smoke seems like a challenge.

I must admit, lately I haven’t been feeling so down and depressed. I’ve even been shopping for Christmas presents. I suffer from panic attacks as I have SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder), which means I don’t like being around a lot of people. Even sitting in the lounge with my family makes me uncomfortable. So, think of a mall at Christmas time! Gee Whizz! Especially if you have been to the South Coast malls. They’re absolutely packed to capacity.

I managed to survive as I have a motto, “If you can’t see them, they can’t see you.” It sounds dorky. But, there I go through the mall pushing my shopping trolley with my head half facing the floor so I don’t see the people’s faces. I haven’t had a panic attack in over a month! I’m actually quite proud of myself, not to brag! 

I have a letter to depression, it’s not my words it’s someone else’s. I bet your thinking, “A letter to depression, pfft, that’s silly.” But if you suffer from depression you will understand this;

Dear depression,                                       You need to leave me alone already. Everyday you’re screaming at me and telling me how terrible I am. You make me replay every mistake I’ve ever made. And you humiliate me on a daily basis. You’ve made it impossible to be happy or have any connections with friends and family. I am so sick of you controlling me. The sooner you leave the better off I will be. Don’t come back either. I never want you to be apart of my life again. I hate you and I hate myself for ever letting you in my head. 

Sincerely,                                                       Me.

Part 4: Panic Attacks

Living with bipolar: Part 2

Okay so as you’re probably aware bipolar is a serious disorder. It causes mood swings, rages, unusual behavior, depression, etc. 

Having bipolar isn’t fun. I can say that for sure. Most people assume that people with bipolar just have mood swings and/or really happy or extremely depressed. That is not the case, there is more to bipolar than meets the eye.

As I said in part one I have been diagnosed with bipolar for 2 years now. When people found out they said things like, “so you get high?” and “I hope I don’t get on your bad side.” Fact of the matter is people can be horrible and jump to assumptions.

I have learnt to deal with people’s gossip and their back stabbing about my bipolar with one simple method. My BIBLE and MY GOD. When you feel down, happy, over the moon, rejected and any other emotions or questions… Look up a passage in the bible. 

Okay, let’s get on to these silly episodes that I have. Yes, they’re crap to have, but it’s in my bipolar package deal, and no matter what I do they’re still going to happen. 

I have had multiple episodes in the past two years. Some of them were as bad as cutting my arms and as little as having a temper tantrum like a little girl! 

Anyway, whatever scale the of the episode they’re still always absolutely horrible to have. But, they’re there and you’re practically guaranteed to have one or two. So I advise you to PRAY! 

I have tried to kill myself over 10 times. With knives, pills & even a gun. 

Knives: Most of my episodes happen at night, when I’ve got nothing to do and I am bored. I have cut my wrists lots of times and a few nights I tried to cut my arteries so that I would bleed out and hopefully die. I tried to cut my neck for the same reasons. But none of these efforts worked and someone always caught me and stopped me. (I believe God sent those people at the right times.)

Gun: My boyfriend is a professional sports shooter and hunter. He owns approximately 6 guns, varying from rifles to handguns. One night while I was going through one of my episodes I was thinking a lot about a suicide attempt. So when he put his gun away after shooting for the day, I carefully watched him punch in his safe code. I remembered the code until the following night. I entered the code and took out the handgun. I cocked the chamber and just as I was about to pull the trigger I heard a voice in my head say, “You have a lot to live for.” I just couldn’t do it. I then unloaded the gun and plonked it on the sofa. I went and got a kitchen knife and held it against my heart area. Again as I was about to stab myself I heard the voice again… “You have a lot to live for.” For some reason I just got angrier and angrier by this voice in my head so I eventually went into the tablet draw and took out a whole box of sleeping tablets and I took about ten, then the voice whispered again. I just wanted to do anything to get that voice to “shut up” so I swallowed the whole box of sleeping tablets. The next morning I was found laying on the couch foaming from the mouth and was immediately rushed to hospital. I was there overnight and I was devistated when I came around from the heavy sleep and realized that I wasn’t dead. But, today I am glad that I am alive. 

Pills: I take a heavy amount of pills; anti-depressants, mood stablisers, anti-psychotics, sleeping tablets etc. I am going to tell you the worst time I overdosed. I was on a heavy sleeping tablet called “Dormicum,” some people might know it. I was taking 30mg (which is a hectic dose) each night which was prescribed by my psychiatrist. I had a whole box of these things. The one night when my boyfriend went to bed I sat in the lounge and before he went to bed he kept on asking me if I was “fine.” But I wasn’t. I waited 15 minutes then quickly got the box of dormicum and swallowed the whole box. Which contained 30 tablets, each 15mg. So I took 450mg of Dormicum at one time. The only thing I remember is two days after I took them, I woke up in hospital on a drip. I was very hazy and dizzy and could hardly see out of my eyes. I tried to get out of the bed and fell flat on the floor, tried again and again. Then eventually the nurse caught me and put me in bed. I didn’t know what had happened or what I’d done this time but I knew whatever I did it obviously didn’t work. 

Depression is a big thing for me, I suffer with it almost every day of my life. I will have a description of depression in Part 3.

Living with bipolar: Part 1

^ this is me, Ashley-Kaay Berry. A 17 year old girl born in England and raised in Australia. I currently live in South Africa.

For most of my life I have been verbally and physically abused. By not only the kids that I used to go to school with but by members of my family. Some people may not believe that being abused as a child does not have an effect on whether or not someone has bipolar. But I believe for me, being abused had a role in my discovery of my bipolar.

I believe that I have been bipolar for most of my life but I only got diagnosed 2 years ago as I was having chronic episodes.

My mother has bipolar and has had it most of her life, at first she was unstable on her medication, as was I. But, now she is stable and doing well.

I believe that bipolar is hereditary, I don’t know if it is scientifically proven or not but that’s my opinion. I was speaking to my mom and she said that her great grandmother had signs of bipolar. So this is what lead me to believe that it is hereditary. 

One of my first chronic episodes was after I was prescribed my first ever anti-depressants and mood stablisers. My boyfriend (of two years) and I were having a bit of a disagreement over a small thing the next thing I know I got a knife and I was trying to self-harm. My boyfriend didn’t know know to do so he phoned my mother and told her we were on our way to her house. From getting in the car I don’t remember a thing I did until the next morning so I will share what my mother documented. This is very personal: 

Ashley-Kaay;
Call from Scott, Ash was trying to self harm with a knife.
Bringing her home tried to jump out of car and being violent. He called us
When we arrived she was out the car hitting Scott. Picking stones up and throwing at sign using foul language every other word eg don’t fucking come near me what are you fucking looking at. Fuck off and leave me alone. Asked to calm down and get in car but she refused kept hitting Scott for no reason. I held her and she tried to hit me. Eventually we got her in the car and brought her home. When she got out of car she took her shorts down and urinated on the drive even though the door was open. When she got in the house she displayed more bizarre behavior. Doing crab and headstands continuing to swear. Went to fridge took out a Smirnoff said she was drinking it we said no so she took carton of milk and drank that. Lit a cig in the house and blew smoke all over. Agreed to play cards on condition she calmed down played one game came back in the house when mike and Scott were talking swore at Scott and started hitting him we asked her to stop and why she was doing that. Went to bedroom and in pen wrote on her arms and legs moley, tithead, cunt, and bitch and said now everyone knows what I am. Then she seemed to calm down for a bit and asked Scott to come in bedroom and talk for a bit. After a few minutes she started to cry uncontrollably I went in and they were cuddling and I came back out and she was still crying. This whole episode to this point lasted approx 1 1/2 hrs. After a while she asked me to come into her room. We cuddled she was still crying. I put salvon on her left arm where the cuts are and then she realized there was writing on her body she screamed how did that get there and began crying again. Scott asked her if she wanted to wash it off and they went in the bathroom to bath her. After the bath she came out with no recollection of what had happened. Had a smoke and went to bed.
So, there it is. Out there in the open, my first ever episode. Hectic hey?
I mean I hardly ever swear, I am not a violent person and I have OCD so urinating in the driveway is not what I would ever think to do. Actually nothing that happened that evening, I would never do in my everyday life. It was silly & weird things. 
I have had many other episodes since then but that was the worst. I have waited until my boyfriend has gone to bed and cut my wrists, cut chunks out of my hair and overdosed.
I will tell you more about my overdosing in part 2.