Living with bipolar: Part 1

^ this is me, Ashley-Kaay Berry. A 17 year old girl born in England and raised in Australia. I currently live in South Africa.

For most of my life I have been verbally and physically abused. By not only the kids that I used to go to school with but by members of my family. Some people may not believe that being abused as a child does not have an effect on whether or not someone has bipolar. But I believe for me, being abused had a role in my discovery of my bipolar.

I believe that I have been bipolar for most of my life but I only got diagnosed 2 years ago as I was having chronic episodes.

My mother has bipolar and has had it most of her life, at first she was unstable on her medication, as was I. But, now she is stable and doing well.

I believe that bipolar is hereditary, I don’t know if it is scientifically proven or not but that’s my opinion. I was speaking to my mom and she said that her great grandmother had signs of bipolar. So this is what lead me to believe that it is hereditary. 

One of my first chronic episodes was after I was prescribed my first ever anti-depressants and mood stablisers. My boyfriend (of two years) and I were having a bit of a disagreement over a small thing the next thing I know I got a knife and I was trying to self-harm. My boyfriend didn’t know know to do so he phoned my mother and told her we were on our way to her house. From getting in the car I don’t remember a thing I did until the next morning so I will share what my mother documented. This is very personal: 

Call from Scott, Ash was trying to self harm with a knife.
Bringing her home tried to jump out of car and being violent. He called us
When we arrived she was out the car hitting Scott. Picking stones up and throwing at sign using foul language every other word eg don’t fucking come near me what are you fucking looking at. Fuck off and leave me alone. Asked to calm down and get in car but she refused kept hitting Scott for no reason. I held her and she tried to hit me. Eventually we got her in the car and brought her home. When she got out of car she took her shorts down and urinated on the drive even though the door was open. When she got in the house she displayed more bizarre behavior. Doing crab and headstands continuing to swear. Went to fridge took out a Smirnoff said she was drinking it we said no so she took carton of milk and drank that. Lit a cig in the house and blew smoke all over. Agreed to play cards on condition she calmed down played one game came back in the house when mike and Scott were talking swore at Scott and started hitting him we asked her to stop and why she was doing that. Went to bedroom and in pen wrote on her arms and legs moley, tithead, cunt, and bitch and said now everyone knows what I am. Then she seemed to calm down for a bit and asked Scott to come in bedroom and talk for a bit. After a few minutes she started to cry uncontrollably I went in and they were cuddling and I came back out and she was still crying. This whole episode to this point lasted approx 1 1/2 hrs. After a while she asked me to come into her room. We cuddled she was still crying. I put salvon on her left arm where the cuts are and then she realized there was writing on her body she screamed how did that get there and began crying again. Scott asked her if she wanted to wash it off and they went in the bathroom to bath her. After the bath she came out with no recollection of what had happened. Had a smoke and went to bed.
So, there it is. Out there in the open, my first ever episode. Hectic hey?
I mean I hardly ever swear, I am not a violent person and I have OCD so urinating in the driveway is not what I would ever think to do. Actually nothing that happened that evening, I would never do in my everyday life. It was silly & weird things. 
I have had many other episodes since then but that was the worst. I have waited until my boyfriend has gone to bed and cut my wrists, cut chunks out of my hair and overdosed.
I will tell you more about my overdosing in part 2.

16 thoughts on “Living with bipolar: Part 1

  1. You are brave for communicating and being so in touch with your feelings. WordPress has been a safe zone for me to express things honestly too. It is a godsend in my life.
    I can’t talk to regular people. I always fear opening up myself to an emotional attack that i will not be able to endure.
    You are intelligent and well spoken. I wish you all the beautiful things life has to offer.
    I have a daughter your age who is exhibiting some of the same symptoms you describe but not as severe yet.
    I am taking her to be evaluated. You touch my heart because you are her age.
    It is good that you post on You are a good example for others to follow , in or for them to survive.


  2. Ashley-Kaay, Thank you for telling your story.
    Sharing your very personal story will help many others. It will help those of us who have a loved one living with bipolar to better understand the hard work you do every day. Your story will also help others who live with bipolar or other serious mental illness to feel less isolated, and to have hope.
    Thank you.
    Please keep writing.
    In good health,

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well done for sharing so openly. I know it may not seem like it, but being diagnosed at an early age is such a blessing. I have suffered all my life, but when I was young ‘manic depression’ as it was then called was NOT for children. So then it stays with you and you live your life as person that you don’t know. So PLEASE be encouraged that you can turn your life around – it is controllable 🙂 WordPress is an amazing platform on which to bear your soul – people only follow and comment who actually understand what you’re going through. So take comfort from the fact that you’re in a safe place and we care 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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