Living with bipolar: Part 2

Okay so as you’re probably aware bipolar is a serious disorder. It causes mood swings, rages, unusual behavior, depression, etc. 

Having bipolar isn’t fun. I can say that for sure. Most people assume that people with bipolar just have mood swings and/or really happy or extremely depressed. That is not the case, there is more to bipolar than meets the eye.

As I said in part one I have been diagnosed with bipolar for 2 years now. When people found out they said things like, “so you get high?” and “I hope I don’t get on your bad side.” Fact of the matter is people can be horrible and jump to assumptions.

I have learnt to deal with people’s gossip and their back stabbing about my bipolar with one simple method. My BIBLE and MY GOD. When you feel down, happy, over the moon, rejected and any other emotions or questions… Look up a passage in the bible. 

Okay, let’s get on to these silly episodes that I have. Yes, they’re crap to have, but it’s in my bipolar package deal, and no matter what I do they’re still going to happen. 

I have had multiple episodes in the past two years. Some of them were as bad as cutting my arms and as little as having a temper tantrum like a little girl! 

Anyway, whatever scale the of the episode they’re still always absolutely horrible to have. But, they’re there and you’re practically guaranteed to have one or two. So I advise you to PRAY! 

I have tried to kill myself over 10 times. With knives, pills & even a gun. 

Knives: Most of my episodes happen at night, when I’ve got nothing to do and I am bored. I have cut my wrists lots of times and a few nights I tried to cut my arteries so that I would bleed out and hopefully die. I tried to cut my neck for the same reasons. But none of these efforts worked and someone always caught me and stopped me. (I believe God sent those people at the right times.)

Gun: My boyfriend is a professional sports shooter and hunter. He owns approximately 6 guns, varying from rifles to handguns. One night while I was going through one of my episodes I was thinking a lot about a suicide attempt. So when he put his gun away after shooting for the day, I carefully watched him punch in his safe code. I remembered the code until the following night. I entered the code and took out the handgun. I cocked the chamber and just as I was about to pull the trigger I heard a voice in my head say, “You have a lot to live for.” I just couldn’t do it. I then unloaded the gun and plonked it on the sofa. I went and got a kitchen knife and held it against my heart area. Again as I was about to stab myself I heard the voice again… “You have a lot to live for.” For some reason I just got angrier and angrier by this voice in my head so I eventually went into the tablet draw and took out a whole box of sleeping tablets and I took about ten, then the voice whispered again. I just wanted to do anything to get that voice to “shut up” so I swallowed the whole box of sleeping tablets. The next morning I was found laying on the couch foaming from the mouth and was immediately rushed to hospital. I was there overnight and I was devistated when I came around from the heavy sleep and realized that I wasn’t dead. But, today I am glad that I am alive. 

Pills: I take a heavy amount of pills; anti-depressants, mood stablisers, anti-psychotics, sleeping tablets etc. I am going to tell you the worst time I overdosed. I was on a heavy sleeping tablet called “Dormicum,” some people might know it. I was taking 30mg (which is a hectic dose) each night which was prescribed by my psychiatrist. I had a whole box of these things. The one night when my boyfriend went to bed I sat in the lounge and before he went to bed he kept on asking me if I was “fine.” But I wasn’t. I waited 15 minutes then quickly got the box of dormicum and swallowed the whole box. Which contained 30 tablets, each 15mg. So I took 450mg of Dormicum at one time. The only thing I remember is two days after I took them, I woke up in hospital on a drip. I was very hazy and dizzy and could hardly see out of my eyes. I tried to get out of the bed and fell flat on the floor, tried again and again. Then eventually the nurse caught me and put me in bed. I didn’t know what had happened or what I’d done this time but I knew whatever I did it obviously didn’t work. 

Depression is a big thing for me, I suffer with it almost every day of my life. I will have a description of depression in Part 3.

10 thoughts on “Living with bipolar: Part 2

  1. I am sorry for your torment. It is a terrible and frightening thing to be tortured by the thoughts in your own mind.

    The fact that most people don’t understand at all makes it worse.

    It is like living on an alien planet and wanting to leave.

    I constantly feel homesick because I never seem to fit in anywhere. Everyone seems so different from me.

    I am glad you are on wordpress.com where there are other people who don’t fit in with the ” normals” either.

    I hope you stay with us.

    Blessings,
    Annie

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m just glad you’re alive to tell your tale and remember, you’re not alone. There are so many of us out there. We understand your struggle and we are here for you. Living with bipolar sure sucks and I wish you the best. Don’t ever end up old and bitter like me. You do have a lot to live for. *hugs*

    Like

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