Monthly Archives: January 2015


If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge? ๐Ÿ˜‚

Aaah! Am I the only one that gets hungry at night? Just before I’m about to doze off, I feel the need to get up & sneak to the fridge & grab anything that catches my eye.

Last night it was milk tart. ๐Ÿ™Š

I am adement that my tablets make me do it. Can this be a side effect of my tablets?

I am on a diet & I’m breaking it at night! It’s so bloody irritating.

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you get round it? ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿช๐Ÿซ

Quick quote:

“Everyday may not be good, but there is always something good in everyday!”



Does anyone know that feeling when you think you’re happy but there’s that one thing on the back of your mind?

I have that. I’m happy but I can’t stop thinking about things that have happened in the past. I honestly don’t know how to feel.

I need to vent. arghhh! Why can’t things in my life & head just be normal for once. Why can’t I have normal thoughts & be in a normal mood, not stuck in between.

I’ve been reading my book. It’s called “prayer box.” It’s actually turning out quite a good novel.

Anyway, I’m enjoying this book. Time to get my read onnnn! ๐Ÿ“–

Quick quote:

“Happiness isn’t getting what you want. But appreciating what you have.” 


I went to church today. Yes, me. Church. That has over 100 people. I didn’t even feel the need to take a rivotril! I took notes & sang the hymns. 

To be honest I’m quite proud of myself.

I’ve got a killer headache & didn’t sleep very well last night but I feel so alive today. More than I’ve felt in a long time! I think the Holy Spirit is working within me ๐Ÿ™.

Incase you haven’t heard this today:

  1. You’re beautiful ๐Ÿ‘ธ๐Ÿ‘ฑ
  2. You’re loved ๐Ÿ’—
  3. You’re needed ๐Ÿ‘ฅ
  4. You’re alive for a reason ๐Ÿ‘ฃ
  5. You’re stronger than you think ๐Ÿ’ช
  6. You’re going to get through this ๐Ÿ™
  7. I’m glad you’re still alive ๐Ÿ˜€
  8. Don’t give up ๐ŸŒŸ
  9. Be positive ๐Ÿ‘
  10. I care ๐Ÿ‘ฏ๐Ÿ‘ฌ

Nap time ๐Ÿ˜ด


People always ask me

People always ask me why I lift people up & how I find it within myself to always think of others first when I’m depressed or down myself. 

The reason I do is because people need it & when people are down I don’t want them to feel the way I do. 

I live by this.. JOY = Jesus first, Yourself last, Others in between. 

I hope everyone has a great day, I am going out of my comfort zone & going to the mall. Praying that my social anxiety disorder will settle down & no panic attacks today.


I’m that girl

I’m that girl that talks others out of suicide, but has a hard time doing it for herself. She truthfully assures them how beautiful, lovely, wonderful and precious they all are. Because she doesn’t want them to feel the same way she does; the opposite. 

I’m the girl that puts on a smile even when I’m dying inside. I try my best to make everyone smile. Regardless of my own feelings or emotions. 

Making others happy makes me feel a little bit better inside, it makes me feel like I’m doing something good, instead of always doing bad. Being bad or looking bad. 

I will admit it, I have no friends. I have trouble letting people get close enough to be my friend. I wish I had friends. I used to but not anymore.

I’m so low and depressed at the moment. I feel like my insides are falling apart. I just need a person to talk to personally… Anyone out there?

cheer up!

So, I went to the optometrist today. Which I hate doing.

I was born with a lazy eye & wore glasses most of my life. A few years ago my vision was clear enough for me not to wear them.

The optician told me today that I need to wear glasses again! Oh so effing wonderful.

I’ve always felt insecure wearing glasses but you know what.. I’m going to try & embrace the new AshKaay with glasses! 

Everyone needs cheering up now & again & I have seen some really depressed posts lately so here’s to all the women who feel down, depressed, defeated or any other crappy emotion:

If you get called a bitch, don’t worry we all are, B-eautiful; I-ntelligent; T-alented; C-harming & H-ot ๐ŸŒป

To all you women who think you’re fat because you’re not a size zero. It’s society who’s ugly not you! ๐Ÿ‘ธ

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need the acceptance of others. You need to accept yourself. Sometimes it’s hard, but try. Keep pushing to find your own beauty!

Quick quote:

“If you’re always trying to be normal, you’ll never know how amazing you are!” 

Remember to smile ๐Ÿ˜Š

AshKaay ๐Ÿ’•

Bee different

Let me just start off by saying I am weird:

  • Wonderful
  • Exciting 
  • Interesting
  • Real
  • Different 

There is [no one] like me in this world. I am an individual. I am unique. I am beautiful and I am real!

Listen to your own voice. Your own soul. Too many people listen to the noise of the world instead of themselves.

I might be different in other ways to other people. But I am me. I always have been & always will be. 

Rough patches are always going to be there but I will always look for that light at the end of the tunnel because one day I will get there. 

I’ll look back on this and smile because it was LIFE & I decided to live it!

AshKaay ๐ŸŒป๐Ÿ’•


“My only relief is sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m not upset; I’m nothing.”

I absolutely love my sleep. I would sleep my life away if I could. Sleep is my happy place.. Or was. 

I used to sleep like a baby, as soon as my head hit the pillow I’d be gone. No getting up in the night, no nightmares. Just happy dreams and proper sleep.

Nowadays, I cannot sleep. I toss and turn, toss and turn.. Nothing works. Except for the stupid sleeping tablets. They make me have nightmares, get up in the middle of the night and they don’t give me proper sleep. I suppose one could say it’s forced sleep. Not real. Just knocked out. 

I have shitty side effects too. Numbness, muscle ache, etc. 

I just want normal sleep! 


Ask yourself this,

Are you living or just existing? 

At the moment, I’m stuck in the middle of the two. On one hand I’m living but on the other I’m just a girl on this earth.

Existing: I’m good at just existing as it requires hardly anything to do. I work, sleep, don’t sleep, eat & bath. Same things over & over. I’m just the norm!

But Living I am also doing, I’m writing a blog, trying to be positive & trying to do things out of my little bubble (comfort zone). 

So are YOU living or just existing?