I’m that girl

I’m that girl that talks others out of suicide, but has a hard time doing it for herself. She truthfully assures them how beautiful, lovely, wonderful and precious they all are. Because she doesn’t want them to feel the same way she does; the opposite. 

I’m the girl that puts on a smile even when I’m dying inside. I try my best to make everyone smile. Regardless of my own feelings or emotions. 

Making others happy makes me feel a little bit better inside, it makes me feel like I’m doing something good, instead of always doing bad. Being bad or looking bad. 

I will admit it, I have no friends. I have trouble letting people get close enough to be my friend. I wish I had friends. I used to but not anymore.

I’m so low and depressed at the moment. I feel like my insides are falling apart. I just need a person to talk to personally… Anyone out there?

22 thoughts on “I’m that girl

  1. God ashkaay, I wish I had a long distance phone plan or at least Skype. I know what you mean about wanting to talk – real time emotions and comfort. I sooo wish I could offer you that. You can email me directly palardysuzanne@gmail.com and I will answer asap. Meanwhile, try and find that one little thing that is special or precious in your life and focus just on that. If it helps, I love you just the way you are and your pain is going to lessen and even if it feels like you’re falling apart you are together enough to reach out. That means that somewhere inside you is a nugget of hope. Sounds weird, maybe, but you are special and precious. I don’t have to be your bff to know that. I have no friends – will you be mine. I would love to be yours.
    Are there any crisis lines you could call? I call them all the time. Just verbally barfing out my pain to another person always takes the edge off. It isn’t a cure but it makes a difference.
    I send you a big virtual hug and in my mind I’ll sit by you and hold your hand until you feel strong enough to pull it away.

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  2. Ashkaay, I have been that girl more often than I would care to admit. I really want to talk to you. I feel we are friends through our blogs and our challenges. Sweetie, you are not alone. You have many people here and I am sure you do still have friends – it is just hard to reach out to them now. Email me at lydiaa1614@gmail.com. Love and hugs, Lydia.

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  3. hugs!
    when i worked, and when i was in high school and college i had lots of friends. now i’ve withdrawn to the point that i don’t have a single real life friend. i don’t even have anyone i could call on the phone, other than my husband, but he’s so busy.

    mental illness makes us so lonely. ❤

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  4. After reading all the wonderful, comforting responses I can honestly say your not alone. Your purpose may be to help others as you personally find comfort in this act, we need more people with compassion so please don’t loose that great asset. I am friendless too, over rated when they don’t accept you for you but we have liked minds in this group and i find comfort in knowing I am not alone. Thinking of you and hope today is a better day.

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  5. I see all of these comments from open hearts willing to help a struggling soul and it warms my heart deeply.

    Know my dear, that when you forget you have a beautiful light the world would be lost without, turn to your blogging community. There is always someone willing to lend an open ear, a kind word, and a loving connection. What better community is there than that?!?

    Please include me in your list of contacts. I will remind you until I am blue in the face are special you are and how much I need you to stick around.


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  6. Hi Ashkaay. I’m a month too late, but here I am. You write really well. I know what it’s like when you can’t bear to be with people, but can’t bear to be without them. When you’re so lonely you feel you might actually break from it and no one can help.

    The only thing that gets me through is my brain…not my feelings. The knowledge that things really can change very quickly, that getting outside will actually make me feel better, that being with people can lift my mood. Go with my thoughts, not my feelings/beliefs, if that makes sense.

    Do you have that little voice at the back of your head that speaks sense, as well as the loud one that speaks the nonsense that overwhelms you? I really hope so. I even like your photo…you can see how you’re feeling in it. It’s so great, a relief to hear this honesty. Well done. Oh, and I only really tell the truth, so don’t discard the praise. Allow yourself to take it on board. Good morning in South Africa from Ireland 🙂 Aisling (“Ashling”)

    Liked by 1 person

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