Sick of it

Sick of crying,
Tired of trying,
Yes, I’m smiling.                            ..but inside I’m dying.

I can’t even explain. There’s no words to describe how I feel. None at all. Nada, nix, nothing.

I can’t take all this shit in my life no more. I’m suicidal, depressed, upset.. Constantly. 

..and no one understands. Yes people might understand parts of what I’m going through but no one can understand fully.

I’m done. Done trying. Done hoping. Done coping. Just done!

I’ve finally cracked. And it doesn’t look like these peices are fitting back together anytime soon.

😞AshKaay 

28 thoughts on “Sick of it

  1. A special message sent to ME just for YOU!

    “If you’ve truly had enough of your pain and suffering, put down the burden you are choosing to carry and follow me in freedom. IN LOVE IZ /-£€ In “LUCK”

    IN LOVE IZ /-£€ In “LUCK”= “IN LOVE IN LIFE IN LUCK”

    Because the best life lived is “ONE with LUCK”. Without luck there is no LIFE. And without LIFE LOVE ceases to exist which is the depression you are feeling. Fill your void with LOVE and “YOU-WILL FEEL WHOLE!”

    I promise. I got this message too. I know the pain you felt, feel, and will continue to feel for as long as you choose to carry this burden. Put it down. You are meant to be whole. Not down. Not broken. Not sad. “HIGH not low”

    WHOLE. HAPPY. HONESTLY. “4777”

    I love YOU. Now learn to LOVE yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You don’t have to explain sweetie – most of us understand all too well. Just hang in there… no matter how you don’t feel like even moving, MOVE, CRY, POUND ON SOMETHING, ACT, PRAY. It is hard but only you can get yourself through the hard days. Sometimes that means seeking out someone or something (God maybe) to lean on. I know that what I say sounds so easy from the outside looking in, but I have (and do) live what you describe so it’s not crap from someone who’s never felt hostage to their moods and how it messes with your thinking. Again, just hang in there… tomorrow and the day after, etc are new days with new possibilities.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. You are not alone. I promise. It will get better – I promise. Please don’t give up – fight to be who you are, fight to be unique and individual and special in YOUR way. Giving up is too easy, and life isn’t about easy. It’s about fighting for yourself. We’re given one life, one chance on this weird and wonderful planet and you need to make the most of every second, because without your control, it will be over with before you know it. Please don’t stop trying, and don’t ever feel like you are alone. Give me a shout if you need someone to talk to; don’t ever suffer in silence.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve been there. I told my mom when I was about 23 that if she left me alone I was going to take a bottle of drugs to kill myself. I was desperate for the pain of the mental and emotional crap to stop. I used to hear things in my head, see things, went through two divorces, second one cheated and got another girl prego, they kicked me out, that meant never seeing my step son who was five and called me mom, and moving back in with my parents.

    My life felt like a constant life of hell. I checked myself into a psyc ward. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done other than choosing to follow Christ and getting saved.

    Please before you hurt yourself try going to a psyc ward. It can change your life in a positive way. Please try. The can help you get on the right meds of tweak the ones you’d only on.

    I’m praying for you right now and won’t stop until you message me letting me know your happy.

    I know it can happen. (Hug)

    ~Diane~

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Diane, I’m ready to reply to you now. I have been in psyc wards before. Yes, they do help with the tablet changes & they do encourage you not to self-harm. Which is good. But, they didn’t help me as much as I expected them to.

      I am relying on myself, with Gods guidance, to help me through this rough patch that I’m going through right now. After going to church today I feel like a new person. I am lively & energetic. I feel moved.

      I am a lot happier than I was when I wrote this post. I see my psychologist soon so hopefully things will get 10 times better.

      Thank you for your prayers,
      💕AshKaay

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Girly I’m so glad your feeling better today! I’ve been praying for you specifically over the past few days. I had to up meds because I’m not doing well right now either. It’s nice knowing I’m not the only one not gay I want you suffering. Please pray for me too.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve been where you are and yes it does get better ☺ pleased to hear church was so invigorating for you. Sending you oodles of light & love, jules

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hola beauty. I used to get so annoyed at my friend who’s also a life coach tell me enthusiastically “I can see your light and beauty. You just nee to see how amazing you are”.

    That’s the problem isn’t it? If you’re on the island of “I hate myself, everything is shit” it feels almost impossible to travel to the island of “I’m pretty fucking awesome. I love myself”.

    I gently encourage you to do 1 thing a day that is different from your routine. And it doesn’t have to be for a particularly long chunk of time. For example you went to church today. I’m assuming you don’t do that every day. It “engergized” you.

    Maybe tomorrow you could try a food you’ve never tried before or listen to a new piece of music or visit a part of town you’ve never visited and walk for 15 min. These experiences outside of our shitty, self-loathing routine, propel our boats from Island #1 to Island #2.

    I’d be very interested to hear about any small new experience you have. I’m cheerleading you on so that you get far away from Island #1.

    Sweet dreams

    La Panzona {Pahn.So.Nuh)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Seem, need…so similar. 🙂 glad you could make sense of my babbling! You seem bright and full of so much to give and it sucks that life is hard enough and crappy enough to make a day above ground not seem like a good thing. Hang in there…

        Liked by 1 person

  7. You have had lots of really good replies here and you seem to be doing better (I don’t know how I missed this until now. Anyway, I agree with many who posted here. I have been there more times than I care to remember. God/church, meds, psych wards, doctor appointments are all good choices and you have to choose what is best for you. Know you are now alone. You can talk to me privately from the contact page on my blog. It will get better, honest.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Actually I might understand because I don’t. Depression and similar feelings are individual because we are individuals with individual, drives, fear, hopes, upbringing, philosophical and religious beliefs and attitudes etc.

    Your views will alter to a certain degree when time passes but out of my experience a human being is stronger than he or she thinks. I have been at this point several times where I thought i could not take it but there is a tiny spark inside you that will keep you alive if you allow it to. In my case it was pride. I am convinced that you bear a similar spark in you. Find it. Use it to ignite and live. Things won’t get better by themselves but if you give life enough oportunities it will get better. Not in a week, not in a year perhaps but it will get better. You can do it. I know that.
    It took me almost five years and I won’t pretend not having extreme down moments occasionally but if you add it up the result is way more positive than five years ago and that is what will keep you going. Hope you find this comforting. Stay beautiful and alive!
    regards
    ARC

    Liked by 1 person

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