Category Archives: Alone

Venting

I haven’t been on here in months.
Life is hard at the moment. I turned 18 not so long ago. There’s been lots of drama. But, then again nothing ever does come easy for me does it.
I’m constantly tired and depressed. At least I’ve lost weight. Not because I’ve been trying to, because I just forget to eat because I’m too busy crying in my room. All I seem to do is cry myself to sleep.
I wish I could just start life over again. Another chance. But no one gets that do they? I suppose smart ass people will say “you have a new chance every new day.” But you don’t forget what happened. Nothing is ever forgotten, it’s always there. Maybe not in your conscious. But boy do I know that it’s there. And things/memories just pop up at any time. Mostly the most inconvenient.
But, I think it’s time I start looking after myself. Start living for me. Seeing as though I’m newly single. After being in a serious relationship since my 15th birthday. I really don’t know anymore. I think I’m in a rut. But I’m going to get out – I am. I thought I’d hit rock bottom, but what I thought was rock bottom is nothing compared to what I’m going through now. “Hard” isn’t even the definition.
Aaaaaaah… Life. Isn’t it fun? And I’m only 18!

Anyway, just a vent.

AshKaay

Poem

I haven’t posted in a while so here’s a poem I wrote:


You don’t know how it feels

to be an outcast
Pushed aside as if an alien

You don’t know how it feels
To have to live with this
The constant stigma

You don’t know how it feels 
To be called names
You’re ‘normal’

You don’t know how it feels
To have you’re mind spinning constantly
With no control

You don’t know how it feels
When people don’t understand 
Don’t try to or want to

You don’t know how it feels.

💕AshKaay 

Sick of it

Sick of crying,
Tired of trying,
Yes, I’m smiling.                            ..but inside I’m dying.

I can’t even explain. There’s no words to describe how I feel. None at all. Nada, nix, nothing.

I can’t take all this shit in my life no more. I’m suicidal, depressed, upset.. Constantly. 

..and no one understands. Yes people might understand parts of what I’m going through but no one can understand fully.

I’m done. Done trying. Done hoping. Done coping. Just done!

I’ve finally cracked. And it doesn’t look like these peices are fitting back together anytime soon.

😞AshKaay 

What is depression like?

It’s like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing. 

It makes you selfish, it’s very hard to think of other people when you’re wrapped in a prickly blanket of unexplained, unwanted emotions. 

Some days you will feel sad without knowing why. Like you lost something very precious. But forgot what it was. Or like you miss someone you’ve never met. 

Sometimes it makes you shut down & not talk to anyone for days. You will cry just because. 

Depression is hard. Stay strong. We can beat depression through the grace of God!

-AshKaay

deproo!

you don’t get it okay
It’s not easy for me to explain 
But I’m not trying to be lazy, it’s just that I’m so effing tired
And I have no motivation to succeed and I don’t even know why this life is happening to me!

When depression takes over & I can’t push through it, I have to close my door & shut the world out. It’s the only way I know how to survive. 

I can’t get through this depressive state. No one understands properly. The people in my workplace think I’m nuts, I know it. 

They look at me like I’m an outcast, an alien & it’s not fair. I’m trying my best & my best is never good enough. 

All I do is pray, pray & pray. Is God listening to my prayers? 

“Down Cycle”

I’m on what I call my “down cycle.” I don’t want to do anything, see anyone, talk to anyone, go anywhere or do anything.

I don’t feel sad, I just want to be alone. But, then that urge to be around people kicks in & I don’t know whether I want to be alone or with people. My mind messes with me.

Sometimes when people ask me how I’m doing I just have to stay silent because no words can explain the shit that’s going on in my heart & my mind.

Quick quote:

“Bipolar? Me? I prefer the term ’emotionally action-packed'”

-AshKaay