Category Archives: Asleep

Grandad

You’re still here in my dreams,

But I wish you weren’t. 

Seeing that big smile in person was amazing,

No one can compare to you.

The only one who saved me, 

The only one who took an interest.

Mum says I’ll see you again,

I hope I go to heaven too.

It will be 4 years that you have been gone in 10 days,

Please watch over me & help me get through it. 

I love you for eternity, 

Rest in paradise, Grandad 💕

~AshKaay 

Poem

I haven’t posted in a while so here’s a poem I wrote:


You don’t know how it feels

to be an outcast
Pushed aside as if an alien

You don’t know how it feels
To have to live with this
The constant stigma

You don’t know how it feels 
To be called names
You’re ‘normal’

You don’t know how it feels
To have you’re mind spinning constantly
With no control

You don’t know how it feels
When people don’t understand 
Don’t try to or want to

You don’t know how it feels.

💕AshKaay 

Today

“Bipolar disorder is like a thief. 
It steals and never gives back.”

I really feel shitty. My boyfriend goes to work in Zimbabwe for 10 days on Wednesday. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.

Luckily I see my psychologist on Thursday so it’s not so bad. 

I’m tired constantly and I’m so over it right now. I’ve been good – haven’t been sleeping in the day. But, I think today I deserve a nap! 

I just this second got a whatsapp from my mother in law asking if I want to go pick out a bath & lots of new things for the house we are building on the farm. I can’t turn that down cause I love interior decorating. But there’s always a catch. Lunch with our pastor & his wife!

Any prayers for no panic attacks would be greatly appreciated.

Quick quote:

“He who kneels before God, can stand before anyone.” 

Have a good day,

💕AshKaay 

Childhood…



do you ever wish that you could go back to being the ages of 4-10? I do.

Those carefree years, where the shits happening all around you but you don’t give a damn. Horrible things may of happened to you, but the good and the carefree things overcome the memories of the bad and allow you to remember all the fun and exciting things you did. 

At that age, no one cares if you have hairy legs, it’s normal. No one cares if you do or don’t wear designer clothes. No one cares if you are full of dirt. No one cares about how you look, what you do, or where you are or live. It’s a beautiful age.

I wish I could go back there, minus the rape and abuse. But those were fun years. Sleepovers with friends, bonfires seemed like the coolest thing on the planet and fireworks were just out of this world at that age. 

Building little forts and playing games on the fields. Being cheeky and getting away with it. Ice creams and lollipops from the ice cream truck.

Ahh that age was amazing. Am I the only one that wishes I could be that age again? Do you have memories or things you wish you could still do?

💕AshKaay 

Got my glasses:



So I have my glasses. Feeling quite comfortable in them. I need to get out & show these babies off. Aaahaha!

My dad said they make me look “Smart.” The bugger, as if I’m not smart enough! 😂

Anyway, I’m taking one step at a time in my journey with God. I’m making it serious this time. I’m committing myself to the Lord. I might mess up, I’m guarenteed to sin, but I’m getting closer to our Heavenly Father. 

I’m so happy at the moment, plus I slept well last night! Which is a first in a long time!

Quick quote:

“Bipolar can make you unstable, but you are still able. Never give up, never give in, you will find your peace again.” -G.E Laine

Hope everyone has a wonderful day, 💕AshKaay 

Peckish?

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge? 😂

Aaah! Am I the only one that gets hungry at night? Just before I’m about to doze off, I feel the need to get up & sneak to the fridge & grab anything that catches my eye.

Last night it was milk tart. 🙊

I am adement that my tablets make me do it. Can this be a side effect of my tablets?

I am on a diet & I’m breaking it at night! It’s so bloody irritating.

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you get round it? 🍭🍪🍫

Quick quote:

“Everyday may not be good, but there is always something good in everyday!”

💕AshKaay 

Sleep

“My only relief is sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m not upset; I’m nothing.”


I absolutely love my sleep. I would sleep my life away if I could. Sleep is my happy place.. Or was. 

I used to sleep like a baby, as soon as my head hit the pillow I’d be gone. No getting up in the night, no nightmares. Just happy dreams and proper sleep.

Nowadays, I cannot sleep. I toss and turn, toss and turn.. Nothing works. Except for the stupid sleeping tablets. They make me have nightmares, get up in the middle of the night and they don’t give me proper sleep. I suppose one could say it’s forced sleep. Not real. Just knocked out. 

I have shitty side effects too. Numbness, muscle ache, etc. 

I just want normal sleep! 

AshKaay

Ask yourself this,

Are you living or just existing? 

At the moment, I’m stuck in the middle of the two. On one hand I’m living but on the other I’m just a girl on this earth.

Existing: I’m good at just existing as it requires hardly anything to do. I work, sleep, don’t sleep, eat & bath. Same things over & over. I’m just the norm!

But Living I am also doing, I’m writing a blog, trying to be positive & trying to do things out of my little bubble (comfort zone). 

So are YOU living or just existing? 

-AshKaay