Category Archives: Christian


I went to church today. Yes, me. Church. That has over 100 people. I didn’t even feel the need to take a rivotril! I took notes & sang the hymns. 

To be honest I’m quite proud of myself.

I’ve got a killer headache & didn’t sleep very well last night but I feel so alive today. More than I’ve felt in a long time! I think the Holy Spirit is working within me ๐Ÿ™.

Incase you haven’t heard this today:

  1. You’re beautiful ๐Ÿ‘ธ๐Ÿ‘ฑ
  2. You’re loved ๐Ÿ’—
  3. You’re needed ๐Ÿ‘ฅ
  4. You’re alive for a reason ๐Ÿ‘ฃ
  5. You’re stronger than you think ๐Ÿ’ช
  6. You’re going to get through this ๐Ÿ™
  7. I’m glad you’re still alive ๐Ÿ˜€
  8. Don’t give up ๐ŸŒŸ
  9. Be positive ๐Ÿ‘
  10. I care ๐Ÿ‘ฏ๐Ÿ‘ฌ

Nap time ๐Ÿ˜ด


People always ask me

People always ask me why I lift people up & how I find it within myself to always think of others first when I’m depressed or down myself. 

The reason I do is because people need it & when people are down I don’t want them to feel the way I do. 

I live by this.. JOY = Jesus first, Yourself last, Others in between. 

I hope everyone has a great day, I am going out of my comfort zone & going to the mall. Praying that my social anxiety disorder will settle down & no panic attacks today.


cheer up!

So, I went to the optometrist today. Which I hate doing.

I was born with a lazy eye & wore glasses most of my life. A few years ago my vision was clear enough for me not to wear them.

The optician told me today that I need to wear glasses again! Oh so effing wonderful.

I’ve always felt insecure wearing glasses but you know what.. I’m going to try & embrace the new AshKaay with glasses! 

Everyone needs cheering up now & again & I have seen some really depressed posts lately so here’s to all the women who feel down, depressed, defeated or any other crappy emotion:

If you get called a bitch, don’t worry we all are, B-eautiful; I-ntelligent; T-alented; C-harming & H-ot ๐ŸŒป

To all you women who think you’re fat because you’re not a size zero. It’s society who’s ugly not you! ๐Ÿ‘ธ

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need the acceptance of others. You need to accept yourself. Sometimes it’s hard, but try. Keep pushing to find your own beauty!

Quick quote:

“If you’re always trying to be normal, you’ll never know how amazing you are!” 

Remember to smile ๐Ÿ˜Š

AshKaay ๐Ÿ’•

Bee different

Let me just start off by saying I am weird:

  • Wonderful
  • Exciting 
  • Interesting
  • Real
  • Different 

There is [no one] like me in this world. I am an individual. I am unique. I am beautiful and I am real!

Listen to your own voice. Your own soul. Too many people listen to the noise of the world instead of themselves.

I might be different in other ways to other people. But I am me. I always have been & always will be. 

Rough patches are always going to be there but I will always look for that light at the end of the tunnel because one day I will get there. 

I’ll look back on this and smile because it was LIFE & I decided to live it!

AshKaay ๐ŸŒป๐Ÿ’•

You are not your illness

You have an individual story to tell. 
You have a name,
A history,
A personality. 
Staying yourself is part of the battle.

Your illness does not define you. It’s a part of you but it’s not you!

Quick quote:

“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.”
-Audre Londe 

Good morning,


Why does BPD have us push people away?

I will tell you why.
It’s because when we love, we love stronger & beyond the universe. Love is intense for us. We may try to give you the world if we could.
But we are terrified when we get too close because when it’s time for you to say “goodbye” we are terrified and lost. The separation emotion is extremely intense and painful. We feel that the pain will kill us. 
We push people away only out of FEAR! As if we were going to fall off from an edge! You understand?
We honestly don’t mean to push away. We sincerely enjoy company and care.
Please give us time we are a work in process. Once we learn to love ourselves 100%, pushing away won’t be such an obstacle. 
-Ana Landa

This is to all my family members & friends! 


A Bipolar mind:

I just want to walk right out of my life. No matter what I do, it’s never good enough. The older I get, the less patience I have. I’m so tired of people expecting more from me than I can give. I can’t stand the chaos anymore. I truly believe I’ve been on enough medications to know that where I am is the best I’ll ever be and it sucks knowing I’ve been cheated out of a better life. Worse than that, my family has had to pay the price as well. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting to find happiness and peace of mind. For me, it has never come naturally. Sometimes I think I’d trade the rest of my life for one week of knowing what it feels like to be happy and have a genuine love of life. 


AshKaay โœŒ๏ธ

Thank you Lord!

Dear Lord,

Thank you for all the people on WordPress that helped me get through last night. They really helped me.

I pray that you bless all of those people. Thank you for leading me to WordPress. Thank you for leading me to people who understand what I’m going through and who can help me.

I pray that this year all of us sufferers and everyone all over the world that they have a blessed year. 


Thank you for all the support last night to the people who commented with amazing advice. I really feel understood and I feel like I fit in! 

HELP?! Why me? ๐Ÿ˜ญ

So the guests have arrived and everything was going fine.

Until it all hit me; the nausea, feeling faint, body aches, a killer migrane and the feeling of throwing up.

I just simply said “I’m not feeling well, I’m going to lie down for a little while.”

But the question is “WHY?”

  • Why me?
  • Why my life?
  • Why does it affect the people around me?
  • Why the depression, OCD, social anxiety disorder, bipolar & all the other shit that comes with it?
  • Why oh effing why?

I know I put a quote on the other day that says “you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.”

But, right now I don’t feel I am. I’m so angry at myself for failing to do the simplest thing, spending time with guests ๐Ÿ˜ž

I can’t effing take it. Why’s it so hard? Does this really have to be the life of a 17 year old girl?

Advice? Someone please!