Category Archives: Fear

Venting

I haven’t been on here in months.
Life is hard at the moment. I turned 18 not so long ago. There’s been lots of drama. But, then again nothing ever does come easy for me does it.
I’m constantly tired and depressed. At least I’ve lost weight. Not because I’ve been trying to, because I just forget to eat because I’m too busy crying in my room. All I seem to do is cry myself to sleep.
I wish I could just start life over again. Another chance. But no one gets that do they? I suppose smart ass people will say “you have a new chance every new day.” But you don’t forget what happened. Nothing is ever forgotten, it’s always there. Maybe not in your conscious. But boy do I know that it’s there. And things/memories just pop up at any time. Mostly the most inconvenient.
But, I think it’s time I start looking after myself. Start living for me. Seeing as though I’m newly single. After being in a serious relationship since my 15th birthday. I really don’t know anymore. I think I’m in a rut. But I’m going to get out – I am. I thought I’d hit rock bottom, but what I thought was rock bottom is nothing compared to what I’m going through now. “Hard” isn’t even the definition.
Aaaaaaah… Life. Isn’t it fun? And I’m only 18!

Anyway, just a vent.

AshKaay

Claustrophobia 



To me claustrophobia is more than being trapped in small spaces.  I’m scared of being trapped in relationships. I’m scared of being limited to one thing.  I’m scared of people thinking they’re protecting me when really they’re smothering me.  I’m scared of being in a position where I’m completely dependent on someone else & myself completely helpless. 

Being smothered by people is the worst. It scares the living shit out of me. For example today, we were at the mall looking for shoes for a wedding that I am going to & the people that I was with were smothering me, “What about these.” “Or these, they’re really nice.” & so on & so forth. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, it’s the fact that they get all up in my face & carry on asking me if I’m okay. I suffer from panic attacks & obviously you have to go into a mall to shoe shop. If I wasn’t okay then I would ask to leave. But I was fine until they started telling me to be this & that. 

I eventually got so panicked I went outside to have a smoke by the car & ended up having a panic attack & feeling so claustrophobic even though I was out in the parking lot! 

I absolutely hate it. I wouldn’t wish claustrophobia on my worst enemy! 

Just venting! 

💕AshKaay

Grandad

You’re still here in my dreams,

But I wish you weren’t. 

Seeing that big smile in person was amazing,

No one can compare to you.

The only one who saved me, 

The only one who took an interest.

Mum says I’ll see you again,

I hope I go to heaven too.

It will be 4 years that you have been gone in 10 days,

Please watch over me & help me get through it. 

I love you for eternity, 

Rest in paradise, Grandad 💕

~AshKaay 

Poem

I haven’t posted in a while so here’s a poem I wrote:


You don’t know how it feels

to be an outcast
Pushed aside as if an alien

You don’t know how it feels
To have to live with this
The constant stigma

You don’t know how it feels 
To be called names
You’re ‘normal’

You don’t know how it feels
To have you’re mind spinning constantly
With no control

You don’t know how it feels
When people don’t understand 
Don’t try to or want to

You don’t know how it feels.

💕AshKaay 

Today

“Bipolar disorder is like a thief. 
It steals and never gives back.”

I really feel shitty. My boyfriend goes to work in Zimbabwe for 10 days on Wednesday. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.

Luckily I see my psychologist on Thursday so it’s not so bad. 

I’m tired constantly and I’m so over it right now. I’ve been good – haven’t been sleeping in the day. But, I think today I deserve a nap! 

I just this second got a whatsapp from my mother in law asking if I want to go pick out a bath & lots of new things for the house we are building on the farm. I can’t turn that down cause I love interior decorating. But there’s always a catch. Lunch with our pastor & his wife!

Any prayers for no panic attacks would be greatly appreciated.

Quick quote:

“He who kneels before God, can stand before anyone.” 

Have a good day,

💕AshKaay 

Sick of it

Sick of crying,
Tired of trying,
Yes, I’m smiling.                            ..but inside I’m dying.

I can’t even explain. There’s no words to describe how I feel. None at all. Nada, nix, nothing.

I can’t take all this shit in my life no more. I’m suicidal, depressed, upset.. Constantly. 

..and no one understands. Yes people might understand parts of what I’m going through but no one can understand fully.

I’m done. Done trying. Done hoping. Done coping. Just done!

I’ve finally cracked. And it doesn’t look like these peices are fitting back together anytime soon.

😞AshKaay 

Long day, tired!

It’s been a long day. Especially after this morning with my bodily aches & shitty side effects that had tears streaming down my face. 

We left the house at 12 & drove to Durban (2 hours away). Went to about 5 shops in all different places. Then, we went clothes shopping.

Yes. All of this, after hardly any sleep & being in intense pain.

Then we waited at the airport for an hour for my father-in-law. We are now on our way home & have about another 30 minutes to get home.

But, then it’s to unpack everything.

I’m dreading taking these shitty sleeping tablets with the horrible side effects. I’m actually scared to wake up tomorrow morning or even during the night because I know how much pain I’ll be in!

But all I can say to myself is “chin up AshKaay” 

Goodnight lovelys! 

Side effects of Trazadone!

I took my meds last night at about 9:00PM & I went to bed at about 10PM.

I fell asleep easily & slept really well. Until, I woke up at 5AM. I couldn’t move the right hand side of my body, I was crying with the pain.

It’s now an hour later & my right arm is just not functioning. I cannot move it at all! Not one inch. If I try to lift it it’s like it’s not attached & I have no control over it. 

It’s a horrible side effect, but the tablet works well.. What do I do? 

Quick quote:

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

J.K. Rowling