Category Archives: Fuck

Sick of it

Sick of crying,
Tired of trying,
Yes, I’m smiling.                            ..but inside I’m dying.

I can’t even explain. There’s no words to describe how I feel. None at all. Nada, nix, nothing.

I can’t take all this shit in my life no more. I’m suicidal, depressed, upset.. Constantly. 

..and no one understands. Yes people might understand parts of what I’m going through but no one can understand fully.

I’m done. Done trying. Done hoping. Done coping. Just done!

I’ve finally cracked. And it doesn’t look like these peices are fitting back together anytime soon.

😞AshKaay 

“Down Cycle”

I’m on what I call my “down cycle.” I don’t want to do anything, see anyone, talk to anyone, go anywhere or do anything.

I don’t feel sad, I just want to be alone. But, then that urge to be around people kicks in & I don’t know whether I want to be alone or with people. My mind messes with me.

Sometimes when people ask me how I’m doing I just have to stay silent because no words can explain the shit that’s going on in my heart & my mind.

Quick quote:

“Bipolar? Me? I prefer the term ’emotionally action-packed'”

-AshKaay

A Bipolar mind:

I just want to walk right out of my life. No matter what I do, it’s never good enough. The older I get, the less patience I have. I’m so tired of people expecting more from me than I can give. I can’t stand the chaos anymore. I truly believe I’ve been on enough medications to know that where I am is the best I’ll ever be and it sucks knowing I’ve been cheated out of a better life. Worse than that, my family has had to pay the price as well. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting to find happiness and peace of mind. For me, it has never come naturally. Sometimes I think I’d trade the rest of my life for one week of knowing what it feels like to be happy and have a genuine love of life. 

Night,

AshKaay ✌️

Weed 🍁

Let me just say that I’ve always made friends with all the wrong types of people. All the low people that believe they are the little rebels & are so “cool.”

When I was 13 I was going out to clubs and getting absolutely hammered and mortal, (every weekend).

When I was about 14 I turned to weed & cigarettes. I was smoking both a helluva lot every day.

I met my boyfriend 5 days after I turned 15, that’s when I stopped smoking the weed.

A year passed and all my episodes stayed. I was put into hospital, (the bloody metal ward). There I met a girl who was messed up. She wasn’t bipolar but abused herself.

When we got out of hospital we bought weed and were smoking it on a daily basis. After a few months I couldn’t be friends with her anymore. The weed was effing me up!

This is what would happen:

  • I’d smoke & when it wore off id drop into a deep depressive state. This made me smoke more.
  • I stopped taking my tablets because I thought the weed was helping me.
  • I started cutting & I believed it was ‘fun’ at the time. (I have scars.)
  • I would spend all my money on weed & alcohol.
  • I sniffed my tablets, because I thought they would give me a rush. All they did was burn my nose!
  • It made me suicidal

I was stupid & immature.

I don’t smoke anything but cigarettes anymore. I hope no one does what I did because it put my treatment back about 6 months. When I stopped completely I was depressed to the point where I wouldn’t leave the house & just lie in bed all day & comfort eat. 

Quick quote:

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor!” 🌊

Anyway, that’s all folks. Just felt like opening up!