Category Archives: Help

Grandad

You’re still here in my dreams,

But I wish you weren’t. 

Seeing that big smile in person was amazing,

No one can compare to you.

The only one who saved me, 

The only one who took an interest.

Mum says I’ll see you again,

I hope I go to heaven too.

It will be 4 years that you have been gone in 10 days,

Please watch over me & help me get through it. 

I love you for eternity, 

Rest in paradise, Grandad 💕

~AshKaay 

Exercise?

so I haven’t been doing any exercise lately & I have put on quite a bit of weight from not doing so & because of my tabs.

I’d just like to know what exercise other bipolar people do, that’s easy & not so time consuming! 

I know that I am lethargic & have literally no energy, unless I live on energy drinks 🙈, so I don’t think I could manage with heavy exercise at the moment. 

I mostly want to lose weight on my tummy & thighs. Anyone have any ideas? 

💕AshKaay

Poem

I haven’t posted in a while so here’s a poem I wrote:


You don’t know how it feels

to be an outcast
Pushed aside as if an alien

You don’t know how it feels
To have to live with this
The constant stigma

You don’t know how it feels 
To be called names
You’re ‘normal’

You don’t know how it feels
To have you’re mind spinning constantly
With no control

You don’t know how it feels
When people don’t understand 
Don’t try to or want to

You don’t know how it feels.

💕AshKaay 

Sick of it

Sick of crying,
Tired of trying,
Yes, I’m smiling.                            ..but inside I’m dying.

I can’t even explain. There’s no words to describe how I feel. None at all. Nada, nix, nothing.

I can’t take all this shit in my life no more. I’m suicidal, depressed, upset.. Constantly. 

..and no one understands. Yes people might understand parts of what I’m going through but no one can understand fully.

I’m done. Done trying. Done hoping. Done coping. Just done!

I’ve finally cracked. And it doesn’t look like these peices are fitting back together anytime soon.

😞AshKaay 

I’m that girl

I’m that girl that talks others out of suicide, but has a hard time doing it for herself. She truthfully assures them how beautiful, lovely, wonderful and precious they all are. Because she doesn’t want them to feel the same way she does; the opposite. 

I’m the girl that puts on a smile even when I’m dying inside. I try my best to make everyone smile. Regardless of my own feelings or emotions. 

Making others happy makes me feel a little bit better inside, it makes me feel like I’m doing something good, instead of always doing bad. Being bad or looking bad. 

I will admit it, I have no friends. I have trouble letting people get close enough to be my friend. I wish I had friends. I used to but not anymore.

I’m so low and depressed at the moment. I feel like my insides are falling apart. I just need a person to talk to personally… Anyone out there?

Side effects of Trazadone!

I took my meds last night at about 9:00PM & I went to bed at about 10PM.

I fell asleep easily & slept really well. Until, I woke up at 5AM. I couldn’t move the right hand side of my body, I was crying with the pain.

It’s now an hour later & my right arm is just not functioning. I cannot move it at all! Not one inch. If I try to lift it it’s like it’s not attached & I have no control over it. 

It’s a horrible side effect, but the tablet works well.. What do I do? 

Quick quote:

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

J.K. Rowling 

deproo!

you don’t get it okay
It’s not easy for me to explain 
But I’m not trying to be lazy, it’s just that I’m so effing tired
And I have no motivation to succeed and I don’t even know why this life is happening to me!

When depression takes over & I can’t push through it, I have to close my door & shut the world out. It’s the only way I know how to survive. 

I can’t get through this depressive state. No one understands properly. The people in my workplace think I’m nuts, I know it. 

They look at me like I’m an outcast, an alien & it’s not fair. I’m trying my best & my best is never good enough. 

All I do is pray, pray & pray. Is God listening to my prayers? 

Bitch!

So I decided to open up to one of my colleagues about my bipolar. She obviously knew that I have bipolar. But she was asking questions.

Questions that I would never normally answer to people that aren’t in my little personal bubble! 

I answer all her questions, and I felt exceptionally good & relieved. Quite proud to be honest.

But then she said “I don’t know how anyone can live with a bipolar, too much work” 

I was so angry, I left the office before I punched her in the face. 

I lashed her over whatsapp & she started saying loads of apologetic shit. Which I couldn’t give a damn about.

I work for my mother-in-law and her and my mum are like my best friends. So you can imagine how angry they were. 

My father-in-law tongue lashed her earlier in the day for being bitchy and telling them what to do. She’s not the owner my parents are. The fucking idiot.

So yeah, I went into work today with a big head on cause she’d been put in her place. 

But she’s a fucking bitch!

Sorry just needed to vent!