Category Archives: Ill

Thyroid 

So, I had blood tests done over a month ago, to test whether my thyroid was working properly. I only got the results now. I have an under active thyroid. What great effing news 😡.

So now I’m going to have to go on more tables.. Awesome 😓

When I was diagnosed with bipolar, I was a size 4 to 6, two years on these tablets and I’m now a size 16! 

I know it’s the tablets making me gain weight because my routine has not changed at all. 

I just hope these bloody thyroid tablets work and help me lose weight, otherwise I’m going to demand the weight loss pill in June when I see this new silly psychiatrist. 

Vent, vent & vent. 

Quick quote:

“Life is too ironic to fully understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is. Noise to appreciate silence & absence to value presence.”

💕AshKaay

Grandad

You’re still here in my dreams,

But I wish you weren’t. 

Seeing that big smile in person was amazing,

No one can compare to you.

The only one who saved me, 

The only one who took an interest.

Mum says I’ll see you again,

I hope I go to heaven too.

It will be 4 years that you have been gone in 10 days,

Please watch over me & help me get through it. 

I love you for eternity, 

Rest in paradise, Grandad 💕

~AshKaay 

Do you want to be bipolar?

Do you want to be bipolar?

Because I’ll happily swap.

You go around saying you are,

With no proof,

None at all.

Pretending to be bipolar isn’t fair,

It just proves that you don’t care.

To be bipolar is quite shit,

So don’t be all pathetic and have no whit.

I can’t believe that you would be so sly,

When there’s bipolar people out there wanting to die. 

This is from me, AshKaay,

So have your own life and go your own way.

…goodnight REAL fellow bipolar sufferers 💕

Tablets 

Does every bipolar person get to that stage where they can’t be bothered to take their pills. Or think they’ll do better without them?

Because I’m at that stage. Taking my tablets makes me feel sick. I absolutely despise taking them. They make me feel like an out cast, not normal, different. And yes it’s good to be different but not in this way. 

Taking my tablets in front of friends is horrifying. Going out to a club is horrifying, people ask, “why aren’t you drinking.” I say I don’t feel like it but they try & force you to. Then you end up telling them the whole story. “Because I take tabs,” “why?” “I’m bipolar” & so on & so forth. 

Quick quote: 

“Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.” -Anonymous 

💕AshKaay

Poem

I haven’t posted in a while so here’s a poem I wrote:


You don’t know how it feels

to be an outcast
Pushed aside as if an alien

You don’t know how it feels
To have to live with this
The constant stigma

You don’t know how it feels 
To be called names
You’re ‘normal’

You don’t know how it feels
To have you’re mind spinning constantly
With no control

You don’t know how it feels
When people don’t understand 
Don’t try to or want to

You don’t know how it feels.

💕AshKaay 

Sick of it

Sick of crying,
Tired of trying,
Yes, I’m smiling.                            ..but inside I’m dying.

I can’t even explain. There’s no words to describe how I feel. None at all. Nada, nix, nothing.

I can’t take all this shit in my life no more. I’m suicidal, depressed, upset.. Constantly. 

..and no one understands. Yes people might understand parts of what I’m going through but no one can understand fully.

I’m done. Done trying. Done hoping. Done coping. Just done!

I’ve finally cracked. And it doesn’t look like these peices are fitting back together anytime soon.

😞AshKaay 

HELP?! Why me? 😭

So the guests have arrived and everything was going fine.

Until it all hit me; the nausea, feeling faint, body aches, a killer migrane and the feeling of throwing up.

I just simply said “I’m not feeling well, I’m going to lie down for a little while.”

But the question is “WHY?”

  • Why me?
  • Why my life?
  • Why does it affect the people around me?
  • Why the depression, OCD, social anxiety disorder, bipolar & all the other shit that comes with it?
  • Why oh effing why?

I know I put a quote on the other day that says “you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.”

But, right now I don’t feel I am. I’m so angry at myself for failing to do the simplest thing, spending time with guests 😞

I can’t effing take it. Why’s it so hard? Does this really have to be the life of a 17 year old girl?

Advice? Someone please!