Category Archives: Lord

Grandad

You’re still here in my dreams,

But I wish you weren’t. 

Seeing that big smile in person was amazing,

No one can compare to you.

The only one who saved me, 

The only one who took an interest.

Mum says I’ll see you again,

I hope I go to heaven too.

It will be 4 years that you have been gone in 10 days,

Please watch over me & help me get through it. 

I love you for eternity, 

Rest in paradise, Grandad 💕

~AshKaay 

Today

“Bipolar disorder is like a thief. 
It steals and never gives back.”

I really feel shitty. My boyfriend goes to work in Zimbabwe for 10 days on Wednesday. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.

Luckily I see my psychologist on Thursday so it’s not so bad. 

I’m tired constantly and I’m so over it right now. I’ve been good – haven’t been sleeping in the day. But, I think today I deserve a nap! 

I just this second got a whatsapp from my mother in law asking if I want to go pick out a bath & lots of new things for the house we are building on the farm. I can’t turn that down cause I love interior decorating. But there’s always a catch. Lunch with our pastor & his wife!

Any prayers for no panic attacks would be greatly appreciated.

Quick quote:

“He who kneels before God, can stand before anyone.” 

Have a good day,

💕AshKaay 

Childhood…



do you ever wish that you could go back to being the ages of 4-10? I do.

Those carefree years, where the shits happening all around you but you don’t give a damn. Horrible things may of happened to you, but the good and the carefree things overcome the memories of the bad and allow you to remember all the fun and exciting things you did. 

At that age, no one cares if you have hairy legs, it’s normal. No one cares if you do or don’t wear designer clothes. No one cares if you are full of dirt. No one cares about how you look, what you do, or where you are or live. It’s a beautiful age.

I wish I could go back there, minus the rape and abuse. But those were fun years. Sleepovers with friends, bonfires seemed like the coolest thing on the planet and fireworks were just out of this world at that age. 

Building little forts and playing games on the fields. Being cheeky and getting away with it. Ice creams and lollipops from the ice cream truck.

Ahh that age was amazing. Am I the only one that wishes I could be that age again? Do you have memories or things you wish you could still do?

💕AshKaay 

Got my glasses:



So I have my glasses. Feeling quite comfortable in them. I need to get out & show these babies off. Aaahaha!

My dad said they make me look “Smart.” The bugger, as if I’m not smart enough! 😂

Anyway, I’m taking one step at a time in my journey with God. I’m making it serious this time. I’m committing myself to the Lord. I might mess up, I’m guarenteed to sin, but I’m getting closer to our Heavenly Father. 

I’m so happy at the moment, plus I slept well last night! Which is a first in a long time!

Quick quote:

“Bipolar can make you unstable, but you are still able. Never give up, never give in, you will find your peace again.” -G.E Laine

Hope everyone has a wonderful day, 💕AshKaay 

Born again! 🙏

So, I used to be amazingly dedicated to God & my bible.

But I lost my way over the past couple of years with all the stress & handling the diagnosis. I thought God hated me.

I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for God. He is always working behind the scenes in my life, everyone’s life!

So today after going to church for the past couple of months & watching Christian programmes on the tv. 

I gave my life to the Lord! I am a born again Christian! 🙌

Praise the Lord!

“Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you” Hebrews 13:5

Church

I went to church today. Yes, me. Church. That has over 100 people. I didn’t even feel the need to take a rivotril! I took notes & sang the hymns. 

To be honest I’m quite proud of myself.

I’ve got a killer headache & didn’t sleep very well last night but I feel so alive today. More than I’ve felt in a long time! I think the Holy Spirit is working within me 🙏.

Incase you haven’t heard this today:

  1. You’re beautiful 👸👱
  2. You’re loved 💗
  3. You’re needed 👥
  4. You’re alive for a reason 👣
  5. You’re stronger than you think 💪
  6. You’re going to get through this 🙏
  7. I’m glad you’re still alive 😀
  8. Don’t give up 🌟
  9. Be positive 👍
  10. I care 👯👬

Nap time 😴

💕AshKaay 

People always ask me

People always ask me why I lift people up & how I find it within myself to always think of others first when I’m depressed or down myself. 

The reason I do is because people need it & when people are down I don’t want them to feel the way I do. 

I live by this.. JOY = Jesus first, Yourself last, Others in between. 

I hope everyone has a great day, I am going out of my comfort zone & going to the mall. Praying that my social anxiety disorder will settle down & no panic attacks today.

💕AshKaay

Phycologist

So I went to see my phycologist today & for once it was actually a great session. I didn’t get upset or feel like crap.

I’m really depressed at the moment but I felt happy to see her because I got her some Christmas prezzies – she liked them.

I’ve just taken my night time pills & I’m feeling really woozy! Think it’s time for bed soon! 

Quick quote:

“Never quit, if you stumble get back up. What happened yesterday no longer matters. Today is another day so get back on track & move closer to your dreams & goals. You CAN do it!”

What is depression like?

It’s like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing. 

It makes you selfish, it’s very hard to think of other people when you’re wrapped in a prickly blanket of unexplained, unwanted emotions. 

Some days you will feel sad without knowing why. Like you lost something very precious. But forgot what it was. Or like you miss someone you’ve never met. 

Sometimes it makes you shut down & not talk to anyone for days. You will cry just because. 

Depression is hard. Stay strong. We can beat depression through the grace of God!

-AshKaay