Category Archives: OCD

Thyroid 

So, I had blood tests done over a month ago, to test whether my thyroid was working properly. I only got the results now. I have an under active thyroid. What great effing news 😡.

So now I’m going to have to go on more tables.. Awesome 😓

When I was diagnosed with bipolar, I was a size 4 to 6, two years on these tablets and I’m now a size 16! 

I know it’s the tablets making me gain weight because my routine has not changed at all. 

I just hope these bloody thyroid tablets work and help me lose weight, otherwise I’m going to demand the weight loss pill in June when I see this new silly psychiatrist. 

Vent, vent & vent. 

Quick quote:

“Life is too ironic to fully understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is. Noise to appreciate silence & absence to value presence.”

💕AshKaay

Claustrophobia 



To me claustrophobia is more than being trapped in small spaces.  I’m scared of being trapped in relationships. I’m scared of being limited to one thing.  I’m scared of people thinking they’re protecting me when really they’re smothering me.  I’m scared of being in a position where I’m completely dependent on someone else & myself completely helpless. 

Being smothered by people is the worst. It scares the living shit out of me. For example today, we were at the mall looking for shoes for a wedding that I am going to & the people that I was with were smothering me, “What about these.” “Or these, they’re really nice.” & so on & so forth. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, it’s the fact that they get all up in my face & carry on asking me if I’m okay. I suffer from panic attacks & obviously you have to go into a mall to shoe shop. If I wasn’t okay then I would ask to leave. But I was fine until they started telling me to be this & that. 

I eventually got so panicked I went outside to have a smoke by the car & ended up having a panic attack & feeling so claustrophobic even though I was out in the parking lot! 

I absolutely hate it. I wouldn’t wish claustrophobia on my worst enemy! 

Just venting! 

💕AshKaay

Grandad

You’re still here in my dreams,

But I wish you weren’t. 

Seeing that big smile in person was amazing,

No one can compare to you.

The only one who saved me, 

The only one who took an interest.

Mum says I’ll see you again,

I hope I go to heaven too.

It will be 4 years that you have been gone in 10 days,

Please watch over me & help me get through it. 

I love you for eternity, 

Rest in paradise, Grandad 💕

~AshKaay 

Do you want to be bipolar?

Do you want to be bipolar?

Because I’ll happily swap.

You go around saying you are,

With no proof,

None at all.

Pretending to be bipolar isn’t fair,

It just proves that you don’t care.

To be bipolar is quite shit,

So don’t be all pathetic and have no whit.

I can’t believe that you would be so sly,

When there’s bipolar people out there wanting to die. 

This is from me, AshKaay,

So have your own life and go your own way.

…goodnight REAL fellow bipolar sufferers 💕

Tablets 

Does every bipolar person get to that stage where they can’t be bothered to take their pills. Or think they’ll do better without them?

Because I’m at that stage. Taking my tablets makes me feel sick. I absolutely despise taking them. They make me feel like an out cast, not normal, different. And yes it’s good to be different but not in this way. 

Taking my tablets in front of friends is horrifying. Going out to a club is horrifying, people ask, “why aren’t you drinking.” I say I don’t feel like it but they try & force you to. Then you end up telling them the whole story. “Because I take tabs,” “why?” “I’m bipolar” & so on & so forth. 

Quick quote: 

“Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.” -Anonymous 

💕AshKaay

Today

“Bipolar disorder is like a thief. 
It steals and never gives back.”

I really feel shitty. My boyfriend goes to work in Zimbabwe for 10 days on Wednesday. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.

Luckily I see my psychologist on Thursday so it’s not so bad. 

I’m tired constantly and I’m so over it right now. I’ve been good – haven’t been sleeping in the day. But, I think today I deserve a nap! 

I just this second got a whatsapp from my mother in law asking if I want to go pick out a bath & lots of new things for the house we are building on the farm. I can’t turn that down cause I love interior decorating. But there’s always a catch. Lunch with our pastor & his wife!

Any prayers for no panic attacks would be greatly appreciated.

Quick quote:

“He who kneels before God, can stand before anyone.” 

Have a good day,

💕AshKaay 

Happiness 

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of places, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” 

-Albus Dumbledore


Ahh, had a long day today. Passport photos, salon, mall, nursery! But, you know what? I was happy today. Regardless of all the stress.

I’ve got to go back to the nursery tomorrow with my mother-in-law. She also feels like some new plants/flowers. 

It’s only 2 days to Valentine’s Day. I’ve got my man some cute things 😝 .

I must say I’m a little bit frustrated at the moment as my boyfriend & I own our own place. But, we’re sleeping at his parents house constantly. It’s really bugging me. But anyway. That’s the way the cookie crumbles 🍪 .

Have a good night, God bless 🙌 .

💕AshKaay 

We can’t make everyone happy

Like the title says; we can’t make everyone happy. Which is completely 100% true.

I know how it feels when you try so hard for someone to be happy with what you’ve done/achieved/said, etc. and they aren’t. It’s a crappy feeling.

But it’s reality, not everyone is going to be happy with us all the time. So why do we get so worked up when we can’t make these people happy and content? It’s because we try so hard. We try hard for acceptance. To prove to them we are ‘normal’. 

It might not be that way for everyone but I know it is for me. 

But you know what, we can’t make everyone happy, try & if it fails then at least you know that you put in the effort from your side to try. 

Remember you can’t make everyone happy, you’re not a Nutella jar 😛 .

I’ve taken my tablets so if this post isn’t 100%, blame it on them not me 😂 .

Chin up beauties,

💕AshKaay