Category Archives: Truth

Venting

I haven’t been on here in months.
Life is hard at the moment. I turned 18 not so long ago. There’s been lots of drama. But, then again nothing ever does come easy for me does it.
I’m constantly tired and depressed. At least I’ve lost weight. Not because I’ve been trying to, because I just forget to eat because I’m too busy crying in my room. All I seem to do is cry myself to sleep.
I wish I could just start life over again. Another chance. But no one gets that do they? I suppose smart ass people will say “you have a new chance every new day.” But you don’t forget what happened. Nothing is ever forgotten, it’s always there. Maybe not in your conscious. But boy do I know that it’s there. And things/memories just pop up at any time. Mostly the most inconvenient.
But, I think it’s time I start looking after myself. Start living for me. Seeing as though I’m newly single. After being in a serious relationship since my 15th birthday. I really don’t know anymore. I think I’m in a rut. But I’m going to get out – I am. I thought I’d hit rock bottom, but what I thought was rock bottom is nothing compared to what I’m going through now. “Hard” isn’t even the definition.
Aaaaaaah… Life. Isn’t it fun? And I’m only 18!

Anyway, just a vent.

AshKaay

Do you want to be bipolar?

Do you want to be bipolar?

Because I’ll happily swap.

You go around saying you are,

With no proof,

None at all.

Pretending to be bipolar isn’t fair,

It just proves that you don’t care.

To be bipolar is quite shit,

So don’t be all pathetic and have no whit.

I can’t believe that you would be so sly,

When there’s bipolar people out there wanting to die. 

This is from me, AshKaay,

So have your own life and go your own way.

…goodnight REAL fellow bipolar sufferers 💕

Tablets 

Does every bipolar person get to that stage where they can’t be bothered to take their pills. Or think they’ll do better without them?

Because I’m at that stage. Taking my tablets makes me feel sick. I absolutely despise taking them. They make me feel like an out cast, not normal, different. And yes it’s good to be different but not in this way. 

Taking my tablets in front of friends is horrifying. Going out to a club is horrifying, people ask, “why aren’t you drinking.” I say I don’t feel like it but they try & force you to. Then you end up telling them the whole story. “Because I take tabs,” “why?” “I’m bipolar” & so on & so forth. 

Quick quote: 

“Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.” -Anonymous 

💕AshKaay

Childhood…



do you ever wish that you could go back to being the ages of 4-10? I do.

Those carefree years, where the shits happening all around you but you don’t give a damn. Horrible things may of happened to you, but the good and the carefree things overcome the memories of the bad and allow you to remember all the fun and exciting things you did. 

At that age, no one cares if you have hairy legs, it’s normal. No one cares if you do or don’t wear designer clothes. No one cares if you are full of dirt. No one cares about how you look, what you do, or where you are or live. It’s a beautiful age.

I wish I could go back there, minus the rape and abuse. But those were fun years. Sleepovers with friends, bonfires seemed like the coolest thing on the planet and fireworks were just out of this world at that age. 

Building little forts and playing games on the fields. Being cheeky and getting away with it. Ice creams and lollipops from the ice cream truck.

Ahh that age was amazing. Am I the only one that wishes I could be that age again? Do you have memories or things you wish you could still do?

💕AshKaay 

Happiness 

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of places, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” 

-Albus Dumbledore


Ahh, had a long day today. Passport photos, salon, mall, nursery! But, you know what? I was happy today. Regardless of all the stress.

I’ve got to go back to the nursery tomorrow with my mother-in-law. She also feels like some new plants/flowers. 

It’s only 2 days to Valentine’s Day. I’ve got my man some cute things 😝 .

I must say I’m a little bit frustrated at the moment as my boyfriend & I own our own place. But, we’re sleeping at his parents house constantly. It’s really bugging me. But anyway. That’s the way the cookie crumbles 🍪 .

Have a good night, God bless 🙌 .

💕AshKaay 

Sick of it

Sick of crying,
Tired of trying,
Yes, I’m smiling.                            ..but inside I’m dying.

I can’t even explain. There’s no words to describe how I feel. None at all. Nada, nix, nothing.

I can’t take all this shit in my life no more. I’m suicidal, depressed, upset.. Constantly. 

..and no one understands. Yes people might understand parts of what I’m going through but no one can understand fully.

I’m done. Done trying. Done hoping. Done coping. Just done!

I’ve finally cracked. And it doesn’t look like these peices are fitting back together anytime soon.

😞AshKaay 

Peckish?

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge? 😂

Aaah! Am I the only one that gets hungry at night? Just before I’m about to doze off, I feel the need to get up & sneak to the fridge & grab anything that catches my eye.

Last night it was milk tart. 🙊

I am adement that my tablets make me do it. Can this be a side effect of my tablets?

I am on a diet & I’m breaking it at night! It’s so bloody irritating.

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you get round it? 🍭🍪🍫

Quick quote:

“Everyday may not be good, but there is always something good in everyday!”

💕AshKaay 

I’m that girl

I’m that girl that talks others out of suicide, but has a hard time doing it for herself. She truthfully assures them how beautiful, lovely, wonderful and precious they all are. Because she doesn’t want them to feel the same way she does; the opposite. 

I’m the girl that puts on a smile even when I’m dying inside. I try my best to make everyone smile. Regardless of my own feelings or emotions. 

Making others happy makes me feel a little bit better inside, it makes me feel like I’m doing something good, instead of always doing bad. Being bad or looking bad. 

I will admit it, I have no friends. I have trouble letting people get close enough to be my friend. I wish I had friends. I used to but not anymore.

I’m so low and depressed at the moment. I feel like my insides are falling apart. I just need a person to talk to personally… Anyone out there?

What is depression like?

It’s like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing. 

It makes you selfish, it’s very hard to think of other people when you’re wrapped in a prickly blanket of unexplained, unwanted emotions. 

Some days you will feel sad without knowing why. Like you lost something very precious. But forgot what it was. Or like you miss someone you’ve never met. 

Sometimes it makes you shut down & not talk to anyone for days. You will cry just because. 

Depression is hard. Stay strong. We can beat depression through the grace of God!

-AshKaay