So, I had blood tests done over a month ago, to test whether my thyroid was working properly. I only got the results now. I have an under active thyroid. What great effing news 😡.
So now I’m going to have to go on more tables.. Awesome 😓
When I was diagnosed with bipolar, I was a size 4 to 6, two years on these tablets and I’m now a size 16!
I know it’s the tablets making me gain weight because my routine has not changed at all.
I just hope these bloody thyroid tablets work and help me lose weight, otherwise I’m going to demand the weight loss pill in June when I see this new silly psychiatrist.
Vent, vent & vent.
“Life is too ironic to fully understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is. Noise to appreciate silence & absence to value presence.”
To me claustrophobia is more than being trapped in small spaces. I’m scared of being trapped in relationships. I’m scared of being limited to one thing. I’m scared of people thinking they’re protecting me when really they’re smothering me. I’m scared of being in a position where I’m completely dependent on someone else & myself completely helpless.
Being smothered by people is the worst. It scares the living shit out of me. For example today, we were at the mall looking for shoes for a wedding that I am going to & the people that I was with were smothering me, “What about these.” “Or these, they’re really nice.” & so on & so forth. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, it’s the fact that they get all up in my face & carry on asking me if I’m okay. I suffer from panic attacks & obviously you have to go into a mall to shoe shop. If I wasn’t okay then I would ask to leave. But I was fine until they started telling me to be this & that.
I eventually got so panicked I went outside to have a smoke by the car & ended up having a panic attack & feeling so claustrophobic even though I was out in the parking lot!
I absolutely hate it. I wouldn’t wish claustrophobia on my worst enemy!
You’re still here in my dreams,
But I wish you weren’t.
Seeing that big smile in person was amazing,
No one can compare to you.
The only one who saved me,
The only one who took an interest.
Mum says I’ll see you again,
I hope I go to heaven too.
It will be 4 years that you have been gone in 10 days,
Please watch over me & help me get through it.
I love you for eternity,
Rest in paradise, Grandad 💕
Does every bipolar person get to that stage where they can’t be bothered to take their pills. Or think they’ll do better without them?
Because I’m at that stage. Taking my tablets makes me feel sick. I absolutely despise taking them. They make me feel like an out cast, not normal, different. And yes it’s good to be different but not in this way.
Taking my tablets in front of friends is horrifying. Going out to a club is horrifying, people ask, “why aren’t you drinking.” I say I don’t feel like it but they try & force you to. Then you end up telling them the whole story. “Because I take tabs,” “why?” “I’m bipolar” & so on & so forth.
“Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.” -Anonymous
so I’m thinking about deleting this blog, all I do is vent to myself. It sounds stupid when I say it outloud.
It’s not doing any good or bad so what’s the point?
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of places, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
Ahh, had a long day today. Passport photos, salon, mall, nursery! But, you know what? I was happy today. Regardless of all the stress.
I’ve got to go back to the nursery tomorrow with my mother-in-law. She also feels like some new plants/flowers.
It’s only 2 days to Valentine’s Day. I’ve got my man some cute things 😝 .
I must say I’m a little bit frustrated at the moment as my boyfriend & I own our own place. But, we’re sleeping at his parents house constantly. It’s really bugging me. But anyway. That’s the way the cookie crumbles 🍪 .
Have a good night, God bless 🙌 .
Sick of crying,
Tired of trying,
Yes, I’m smiling. ..but inside I’m dying.
I can’t even explain. There’s no words to describe how I feel. None at all. Nada, nix, nothing.
I can’t take all this shit in my life no more. I’m suicidal, depressed, upset.. Constantly.
..and no one understands. Yes people might understand parts of what I’m going through but no one can understand fully.
I’m done. Done trying. Done hoping. Done coping. Just done!
I’ve finally cracked. And it doesn’t look like these peices are fitting back together anytime soon.
People always ask me why I lift people up & how I find it within myself to always think of others first when I’m depressed or down myself.
The reason I do is because people need it & when people are down I don’t want them to feel the way I do.
I live by this.. JOY = Jesus first, Yourself last, Others in between.
I hope everyone has a great day, I am going out of my comfort zone & going to the mall. Praying that my social anxiety disorder will settle down & no panic attacks today.