Claustrophobia



To me claustrophobia is more than being trapped in small spaces.  I’m scared of being trapped in relationships. I’m scared of being limited to one thing.  I’m scared of people thinking they’re protecting me when really they’re smothering me.  I’m scared of being in a position where I’m completely dependent on someone else & myself completely helpless. 

Being smothered by people is the worst. It scares the living shit out of me. For example today, we were at the mall looking for shoes for a wedding that I am going to & the people that I was with were smothering me, “What about these.” “Or these, they’re really nice.” & so on & so forth. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, it’s the fact that they get all up in my face & carry on asking me if I’m okay. I suffer from panic attacks & obviously you have to go into a mall to shoe shop. If I wasn’t okay then I would ask to leave. But I was fine until they started telling me to be this & that. 

I eventually got so panicked I went outside to have a smoke by the car & ended up having a panic attack & feeling so claustrophobic even though I was out in the parking lot! 

I absolutely hate it. I wouldn’t wish claustrophobia on my worst enemy! 

Just venting! 

💕AshKaay

Tablets

Does every bipolar person get to that stage where they can’t be bothered to take their pills. Or think they’ll do better without them?

Because I’m at that stage. Taking my tablets makes me feel sick. I absolutely despise taking them. They make me feel like an out cast, not normal, different. And yes it’s good to be different but not in this way. 

Taking my tablets in front of friends is horrifying. Going out to a club is horrifying, people ask, “why aren’t you drinking.” I say I don’t feel like it but they try & force you to. Then you end up telling them the whole story. “Because I take tabs,” “why?” “I’m bipolar” & so on & so forth. 

Quick quote: 

“Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.” -Anonymous 

💕AshKaay

Dad

“A daddy isn’t defined as the man who makes the child, but rather a man who extends his hands and time to help raise the child and gives his heart and love to the child. BLOOD doesn’t always make you a DADDY. Being a daddy comes from the heart. Any fool can make a baby, it takes a man to raise a child”

My dad is amazing, he is always there for me. He is my dad, not my biological father but my dad!

He means more to me than the asshole, who was involved in bringing me into the world, ever will.

No matter what the circumstance he is there whenever I need him. My mum & I both have bipolar & I know it takes its tole on him but, he has always stuck by both of us & I know he always will.

My mum & dad are the only two people in my family who haven’t let me down & I love them more each & everyday for it.

My dad may not be my biological father but he is my DAD & always will be. 



💕AshKaay 

CHEERS 🍷



Why the hell wait until Valentine’s Day when you can drink now! Champagne & some nice wine! 

Hope everyone enjoys their evenings! Get some love in the air 💞 .

💕AshKaay

Childhood…



do you ever wish that you could go back to being the ages of 4-10? I do.

Those carefree years, where the shits happening all around you but you don’t give a damn. Horrible things may of happened to you, but the good and the carefree things overcome the memories of the bad and allow you to remember all the fun and exciting things you did. 

At that age, no one cares if you have hairy legs, it’s normal. No one cares if you do or don’t wear designer clothes. No one cares if you are full of dirt. No one cares about how you look, what you do, or where you are or live. It’s a beautiful age.

I wish I could go back there, minus the rape and abuse. But those were fun years. Sleepovers with friends, bonfires seemed like the coolest thing on the planet and fireworks were just out of this world at that age. 

Building little forts and playing games on the fields. Being cheeky and getting away with it. Ice creams and lollipops from the ice cream truck.

Ahh that age was amazing. Am I the only one that wishes I could be that age again? Do you have memories or things you wish you could still do?

💕AshKaay 

People always ask me

People always ask me why I lift people up & how I find it within myself to always think of others first when I’m depressed or down myself. 

The reason I do is because people need it & when people are down I don’t want them to feel the way I do. 

I live by this.. JOY = Jesus first, Yourself last, Others in between. 

I hope everyone has a great day, I am going out of my comfort zone & going to the mall. Praying that my social anxiety disorder will settle down & no panic attacks today.

💕AshKaay

lift up

Just a little bit of a lift up.

I have been severely depressed for the last few days. But, here’s some quotes to help remember who you belong to & what he is capable of.

💕AshKaay 

Hair:

^ had a Brazilian done. Got to wait a few weeks, then colour! 😊

Quick quote:

“The moment you’re ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens. Don’t give up!”

TRUTH:

Bipolar: it’s a brain disorder that causes mood swings which means it’s not about thinking positive enough or “snapping out of it” or about a negative feeling… It’s about having to deal with a disorder that interrupts the way the brain functions which effects the area of the brain that deals with moods. So get off my back & go educate yourself & snap out of being ignorant.

To all the horrible people out there that tell us to ‘snap out of it’, do your research babs!

All my meds taken, good night. Hope fully I get some sleep 😴💕

Weed 🍁

Let me just say that I’ve always made friends with all the wrong types of people. All the low people that believe they are the little rebels & are so “cool.”

When I was 13 I was going out to clubs and getting absolutely hammered and mortal, (every weekend).

When I was about 14 I turned to weed & cigarettes. I was smoking both a helluva lot every day.

I met my boyfriend 5 days after I turned 15, that’s when I stopped smoking the weed.

A year passed and all my episodes stayed. I was put into hospital, (the bloody metal ward). There I met a girl who was messed up. She wasn’t bipolar but abused herself.

When we got out of hospital we bought weed and were smoking it on a daily basis. After a few months I couldn’t be friends with her anymore. The weed was effing me up!

This is what would happen:

• I’d smoke & when it wore off id drop into a deep depressive state. This made me smoke more.
• I stopped taking my tablets because I thought the weed was helping me.
• I started cutting & I believed it was ‘fun’ at the time. (I have scars.)
• I would spend all my money on weed & alcohol.
• I sniffed my tablets, because I thought they would give me a rush. All they did was burn my nose!
• It made me suicidal

I was stupid & immature.

I don’t smoke anything but cigarettes anymore. I hope no one does what I did because it put my treatment back about 6 months. When I stopped completely I was depressed to the point where I wouldn’t leave the house & just lie in bed all day & comfort eat. 

Quick quote:

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor!” 🌊

Anyway, that’s all folks. Just felt like opening up!