Venting

I haven’t been on here in months.
Life is hard at the moment. I turned 18 not so long ago. There’s been lots of drama. But, then again nothing ever does come easy for me does it.
I’m constantly tired and depressed. At least I’ve lost weight. Not because I’ve been trying to, because I just forget to eat because I’m too busy crying in my room. All I seem to do is cry myself to sleep.
I wish I could just start life over again. Another chance. But no one gets that do they? I suppose smart ass people will say “you have a new chance every new day.” But you don’t forget what happened. Nothing is ever forgotten, it’s always there. Maybe not in your conscious. But boy do I know that it’s there. And things/memories just pop up at any time. Mostly the most inconvenient.
But, I think it’s time I start looking after myself. Start living for me. Seeing as though I’m newly single. After being in a serious relationship since my 15th birthday. I really don’t know anymore. I think I’m in a rut. But I’m going to get out – I am. I thought I’d hit rock bottom, but what I thought was rock bottom is nothing compared to what I’m going through now. “Hard” isn’t even the definition.
Aaaaaaah… Life. Isn’t it fun? And I’m only 18!

Anyway, just a vent.

AshKaay

Thyroid

So, I had blood tests done over a month ago, to test whether my thyroid was working properly. I only got the results now. I have an under active thyroid. What great effing news 😡.

So now I’m going to have to go on more tables.. Awesome 😓

When I was diagnosed with bipolar, I was a size 4 to 6, two years on these tablets and I’m now a size 16! 

I know it’s the tablets making me gain weight because my routine has not changed at all. 

I just hope these bloody thyroid tablets work and help me lose weight, otherwise I’m going to demand the weight loss pill in June when I see this new silly psychiatrist. 

Vent, vent & vent. 

Quick quote:

“Life is too ironic to fully understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is. Noise to appreciate silence & absence to value presence.”

💕AshKaay

Quick quote:

God wouldn’t have allowed it unless he had a purpose. 

Don’t just go through it, grow through it 🌻

Claustrophobia



To me claustrophobia is more than being trapped in small spaces.  I’m scared of being trapped in relationships. I’m scared of being limited to one thing.  I’m scared of people thinking they’re protecting me when really they’re smothering me.  I’m scared of being in a position where I’m completely dependent on someone else & myself completely helpless. 

Being smothered by people is the worst. It scares the living shit out of me. For example today, we were at the mall looking for shoes for a wedding that I am going to & the people that I was with were smothering me, “What about these.” “Or these, they’re really nice.” & so on & so forth. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, it’s the fact that they get all up in my face & carry on asking me if I’m okay. I suffer from panic attacks & obviously you have to go into a mall to shoe shop. If I wasn’t okay then I would ask to leave. But I was fine until they started telling me to be this & that. 

I eventually got so panicked I went outside to have a smoke by the car & ended up having a panic attack & feeling so claustrophobic even though I was out in the parking lot! 

I absolutely hate it. I wouldn’t wish claustrophobia on my worst enemy! 

Just venting! 

💕AshKaay

Grandad

You’re still here in my dreams,

But I wish you weren’t. 

Seeing that big smile in person was amazing,

No one can compare to you.

The only one who saved me, 

The only one who took an interest.

Mum says I’ll see you again,

I hope I go to heaven too.

It will be 4 years that you have been gone in 10 days,

Please watch over me & help me get through it. 

I love you for eternity, 

Rest in paradise, Grandad 💕

~AshKaay 

Do you want to be bipolar?

Do you want to be bipolar?

Because I’ll happily swap.

You go around saying you are,

With no proof,

None at all.

Pretending to be bipolar isn’t fair,

It just proves that you don’t care.

To be bipolar is quite shit,

So don’t be all pathetic and have no whit.

I can’t believe that you would be so sly,

When there’s bipolar people out there wanting to die. 

This is from me, AshKaay,

So have your own life and go your own way.

…goodnight REAL fellow bipolar sufferers 💕

Tablets

Does every bipolar person get to that stage where they can’t be bothered to take their pills. Or think they’ll do better without them?

Because I’m at that stage. Taking my tablets makes me feel sick. I absolutely despise taking them. They make me feel like an out cast, not normal, different. And yes it’s good to be different but not in this way. 

Taking my tablets in front of friends is horrifying. Going out to a club is horrifying, people ask, “why aren’t you drinking.” I say I don’t feel like it but they try & force you to. Then you end up telling them the whole story. “Because I take tabs,” “why?” “I’m bipolar” & so on & so forth. 

Quick quote: 

“Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.” -Anonymous 

💕AshKaay

Exercise?

so I haven’t been doing any exercise lately & I have put on quite a bit of weight from not doing so & because of my tabs.

I’d just like to know what exercise other bipolar people do, that’s easy & not so time consuming! 

I know that I am lethargic & have literally no energy, unless I live on energy drinks 🙈, so I don’t think I could manage with heavy exercise at the moment. 

I mostly want to lose weight on my tummy & thighs. Anyone have any ideas? 

💕AshKaay

Deleting this blog

so I’m thinking about deleting this blog, all I do is vent to myself. It sounds stupid when I say it outloud.

It’s not doing any good or bad so what’s the point? 

😞AshKaay 

You know what!

you know what?
I don’t even give a shit
Not even a little bit.
I’m tired, tired of trying it
Tired of being a twit.
Sick to death
Is this my last breath?
I can’t take this
Get out of my buisness.
Fuck it, chuck it,
Put it in the fuck it bucket. 
~AshKaay

In a really bad mood 👌